the dharma blog

I need a vacation, I’ll say that much. Work has been nothing short of insane for the past couple weeks, and getting crazier exponentially every day. And with all the stuff coming up, I’ve dashed out of work on average a half-hour late and had errands to run or plans or any number of things. I don’t feel like I’ve had time to breathe. I’m not at my best when I’m stressed, though who is? I have actually discovered something new about myself and stress during this most recent period: the more stressed I get, the more I tend to withdraw and shut down. At work particularly, I become incommunicative and just want to be able to concentrate on the work at hand. It might sound acceptable described as such, but I think it’s made me seem rude at times, or at least just aloof.

Anyway, two things have kept me going: the promise of some unstructured vacation time (starting tonight, see the comments) and a sort of “fuck you all” attitude. I refuse to lose, I guess. Somehow, and maybe inappropriately, I think of the scene from the film “Goodwill Hunting” when Matt Damon’s character tells his psychiatrist (Robin Williams) that his dad used to give him the choice of belt or wrench to be beaten with. Williams says “you chose the belt, right?” And Damon says, “No, the wrench.” “Why the wrench?” The shrink asks. “Because fuck him,” Damon says. It’s been willpower that I didn’t know I had to keep at the tasks and issues bombarding me lately, and I guess I’ve learned something about myself.

It’s actually not something I really wanted to learn about myself, for whatever that’s worth. Now though, I’m off to learn some other things, including about where my mind goes late at night as I fall asleep under the stars…

Post title comes from a song by the wonderful Duluth-based bluegrass band, Trampled by Turtles.