the dharma blog

The darkness came on quickly after dinner. There was no lingering light on the horizon and I realized that it was autumn now. The meal we had just eaten — steaks and potatoes washed down with Hefeweizen — felt like a guest lingering at a party when you knew you had to get up early in the morning. But it was a guest that told great stories and could play the harmonica real good and you wanted to sit there listening until the sun came up again.

We took the dishes inside. It was warm and dry in there and we sat and finished our beers on the couch.

What time is it? Charlie asked me.

I looked over his shoulder at the clock on his microwave and said, 7:45.

You want to head out?

Sure.

We drove a mile to the bar, situated along a two-lane highway, surrounded by hay fields that were dotted by the big round bales. There weren’t a lot of people inside but it was hot and stuffy. I got a beer and he got a drink and we went around the corner of the bar and into the back room where the pool table was. Neal was already sitting on a stool holding a pool cue. The three ball and the cue ball were on the table and he was staring at them when we came in. He stood and greeted us and I held my glass up and they did too and we drank.

Neal and Charlie held a conference about the shot Neal was trying to make and I got lost in the geometry and the physics and drank and stared out the window even though I couldn’t see out because it was dark out there and bright inside.

My forehead felt hot and I drank my beer quickly because I was thirsty. Neal made the shot after missing twice and lining up the shot again each time and making it, not saying anything, walking over to where his drink was and drinking.

At about 11:00 I went to get more beers. While I was standing at the bar a girl walked in and ordered a drink and looked down toward me. She looked a little familiar and she kept looking at me and then she smiled and walked toward me.

Dylan? It’s Rosie Robertson.

Rosie? Holy crap! Wow. How are you doing?

I’m good, what are you up to?

Oh, just shooting pool and– do you know who’s back there? Charlie and Neal, Charlie Josephson and Neal Polanski.

What are you up to these days?

I’m working at Halverson and I’m living in Woodville and, well, not much else. What about you?

The bartender set the three bottles of beer on the bar and I gave her my money and looked at Rosie who hadn’t said anything.

What have you been doing?

I got fired today! She finally broke out of a daze and said that and forced a smile and then took a drink out of her glass.

Shit. I’m sorry. Where were you working?

Oh, nowhere. It doesn’t matter, just downtown at a law office down there.

There’s a law office downtown?

Yeah, just two attorneys. Smith and Tirelli, cranky old men… But hey, cheers! It’s good to see you. It’s probably been since high school.

Yeah. Do you want to come back and say hi to Charlie and Neal?

We went back and the conversation we had just had was more or less repeated. Neal got really pissed when he heard Rosie had been fired and I changed the subject. Rosie stayed back there and drank with us. She didn’t shoot pool, just sat on a stool and drank and joked with us.

Some time later I got a glass of water from the bar and when I came back it was just in time to see Charlie fall down while concentrating on making a shot. We all laughed a little and I told Charlie that we wouldn’t remember it in the morning anyhow.

Neal was talking to Rosie and Charlie was playing against himself and I went to the bathroom. When I came back Charlie was lining up another shot, one eye closed, leaning on the table. Neal and Rosie were gone.

Aaron showed up sometime after midnight. He had been working downtown. He got a round of Jägermeister for us and I got another glass of water.

Where’s Neal? Charlie asked.

He disappeared a while ago, remember?

Where’d he go? Aaron asked me.

I don’t know, I said.

What? Charlie asked.

I don’t know. He just left.

Where’s Becky tonight? Aaron asked.

I don’t know.

What? Aaron asked.

I think we’re done.

Really?

The bartender brought the shots.

***

In the dawn I woke up. I was in my sleeping bag. I lifted my head up and looked around and saw that I was near the back fence in Charlie’s yard. There were three plastic chairs between me and the fire pit 10 feet away. A bunch of empty beer bottles laid on the ground by the chairs. I was wet from the dew. I felt drunk.

The gray light from the horizon dimly lit the unmoving world. I was tired but I pulled myself out of my bag and sat up. My head would hurt soon. I grabbed my water bottle from where it was laying in the grass and drank the last of the water in it. I rubbed my eyes and looked toward the house. It sat silent and unmoving. My shoes were in the grass next to me, upside down to not get wet from the dew. I put them on.

I stood up. The overgrown back pasture was dark green and streaked with dead grass the color of sand, the grass all laying down over big frost heaves. Where the steep bank down to the creek was, big bushy trees stood up over the edge of the pasture. I piled up my sleeping bag and walked toward the trees across the pasture.

Down by the creek it was darker then above. The most prominent thing was the sound of the water. Just a few cubic feet of water flowing over rocks and silt. The banks were undercut and overgrown. I didn’t know what I was doing down there but I had survived the slip down the bank and I was down here now so I sat down and looked around.

The light slowly came to the stream. The trees obscured the sky so the light came imperceptibly, without fanfare. I drifted off into a haze of thought. None of it was positive, I felt like I’d lost my sense of taste or something else so necessary to appreciating enjoyment in life. I asked myself why I hadn’t tried harder, why I had let her go, why I had tried to make her stay. I wondered how I would make it though some of what I was about to go through without her, without somebody.

After a while I grew tired of sitting and I leaned back on my elbows and then laid down and crossed my arms over my chest and then I fell asleep. When I awoke I could see the sun through a little hole in the canopy. A small breeze blew down the stream and it was mid-morning and I wasn’t warm and I knew fall was coming now.